He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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