I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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