i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
