We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
did you just send me my own nude
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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