I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
