He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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