Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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