life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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