My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
