Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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