'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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