Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
