I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
