well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
