I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
