in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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