dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
