I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
