my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize