Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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