how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
