Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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