I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he thought i was a dude.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Randomize
