my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
