Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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