I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
