I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize