I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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