I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
