If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
