someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize