I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
