perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dicks are not precious.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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