it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
