my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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