Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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