I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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