There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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