nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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