Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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