Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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