I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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