totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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