Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
