Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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