Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
