we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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