you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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