tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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