All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
