I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
