During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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