Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
