yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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