We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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