Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
As shirtless as possible
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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