That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
