I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
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