You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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